Hurt...

Ever had the feeling when you were always in the wrong?
That feeling that you can’t do anything because you’ll be named rude?
I’m feeling it right now.
I feel like I’m the worst person in the world.
Am I that bad?
Why does she think that I am an ungrateful piece of crap?
Do I not deserve what I have?
I may not look like I’m not doing as much
But I know that I deserve the comforts that I have.
Maybe I still have to prove it to you.
But what can I do?!?!?!
I’m a kid?!?!
You yourself gave me the notion that I’m ONLY a kid.
You say I can’t live without you.
You say I’m the only one you’ve got.
You say that I will always need you.
Then help me!
Help me be a better person!
You say that you know better.
Then guide me.
You say I’m confused.
Then help me.
You say so many wrong things about me.
Sorry.
I can’t be perfect.
Now you say I’m over reacting.
Sorry again.
This is what a teenager does.
I know you went through childhood too.
Why the anger?
Why the angst?
I’m so scared.
I love you.
But why do you do this to me?
Don’t you know it’s your job to care for me?
I’m hurt…

of Eddie...

A got a bass guitar last Sunday.
I named it Eddie.
I miss him.
It’s like we knew each other.
Oh well.
We all have to go on.
I just want to think about him every time I play (which isn’t actually a whole lot of time).
I thank my dad for buying me the bass.
I know that we are in a weird stage right now,
But I thank you anyway.
I don’t really play that well, coz I just started to learn.
But I thank my dad for trusting in me.
Having that bass gives me a different feeling of happiness.
It was like I was the little girl again, trying something new…
It really made me happy because I have been so depressed lately.
Somehow, it made me feel a lot better.

In Memory...

I feel empowered.
I saw that they believed it!
Though it was a big lie.
Now don’t look at me in disapproval.
We did it so we would be saved.
Now you ask; saved from what?
Saved from a bigger horror.
We would never lie just because we want to.
We lie to survive.
We lie so that everyone else will be at peace.
If we didn’t, there would be ‘social chaos’
It was just our way of doing something to make something bigger stop.
Eddie, we ask for your help.
Help us to do well.
Help us to lie with grace.
Help them realize what they have done, and why we did this.
This is for your memory.

Prosec...

Today we went to Eastwood.
And Glorietta.
It was our second PROSEC fieldtrip.
First, we had cosmic cycling.
IT WAS SO F***ING HARD!!!
Don't get me wrong.
It was fun.
BUT TIRING.
I know have a bruise on my...
my...
my...
... you know what.
Seriously.
It hurts.
But it was really okay.

We had lunch at this Italian fastfood joint.
The pasta and chicken was good...
but the iced tea was so weird.
It was like all of the drinks mixed....
With bad liquor.

Anyway...
We went to Glorietta.
We went to Sari-Sari.
Our team was to dress up for malling.
It was quite frustrating.
But a lot of fun.

Actually...
The best part was free time.
Kim and I went to Vago,
this store where she was going to buy the dress for Penguin's prom.
But the dress was gone.
We went to Tango
and we found the most gorgeous dress there.
It was black lace with a kerchief cut.
It fitted her perfectly..
I can already imagine her and penguin at the prom...
Awww...

Anyway...
that was it.
I just wanted to share...
hehehe...

Saturday...

You might ask me why I would blog about something that happened two days ago.
Well, I couldn't get hold of my pc since yesterday.
But this is somewthing that I really wanna share.
We had classes that Saturday.
After that, Kim, Steph and I went to "Makati to look for drums".
We went home to Kim's house for Nikki and Keeno's birthday.
In Kim's room, there was Clark and Nikki's guitar.
Before you knew it, I was fingering Clark and Steph was playing Nikki's guitar.
Oh, Clark is Kim's bass guitar.
What did you think?
Perv.
Fine.
I was playing with Clark.
Within 15 minutes, we learned "Ang Huling Elbimbo".
We went out to the deck, or balcony, or whatever it is.
Kim played the drums, Steph played the guitar, and I played the bass.
Whaddayaknow?
We sounded kinda good.
And that was the first jam session we ever had.
Kim even wrote a song.
Chocnut.
Yikee...
I think that was our first song.
And this is my first band.
OUR band.
SAGAD.
No, that's not the name.
We're still figuring out what our name is.
Oh well.
It was so cool!
Never have I thought that it would actually happen!

Anyway...

Later that afternoon, they came.
It was penguin and his bestfriend.
It was Steph's turn to grill him.
At first, he was quiet and all nervous while we were eating merienda.
Steph doesn't like shy guys.
Uh-oh.
That's not good.
So I told penguin NOT to be nervous or he'll be out the curb in no time.
He said he needed to play the guitar to feel better.
So he played Maya (his guitar).
HE ROCKED!
His being "vertically challenged' was forgotten when he played the guitar.
He was a god!
He even did it with his teeth!
It was amazing.
Steph and I stood in amazement.
With that, penguin got Steph's vote.
But that's not all.
He was one HOT bass player.
And a GREAT singer.
I mean, hello?
What else is there to look for?
And he respects women.
Kim and penguin are so for each other!

Later that night...
Penguin and I talked awhile before we went downstairs.
I told him that he got Steph's vote.
He's all go.
But he said it'll be a long time before it will happen.
Whataboutda PROM?!?!?!
I know that he will do something in his prom.
I hope it will happen there.
Because if it will get any slower.
It might go backwards.
You know what i mean?
So act on it!
Don't hesitate!
Remember what i told you in Speed?
Do that!
'Cause she won't be there forever!
Grab the chance while it's still there!
So anyway...
We sang with the Magic Sing.
Almost all were love songs.
Cute!
Oh, and I found out that penguin's bestfriend is a crooner.
What a voice!
It was unbelievable!

After that...
Steph left.
Then me.
Then penguin and Mr. Crooner.
End of story.

Oops.
Not yet.
When I was going home, I told my mom that I already knew how to play the bass.
And that I was enjoying it.
So my dad told me he'll by me a bass guitar.
Just like that.
Woohoo!!!

Last words:
Penguin and Panda should be together.
NOW.
The universe is conspiring for them to be together.
But they know they're too young.
Aww...
So sweet and innocent.
Yet so strong and passionate.
WAHOO!!!

High...

We had our CL Day today...
It was a lot of fun.
No really.
It was.
I never thought I could do that in school.
Before, I only had praise and worship in our parish.
But now, I was singin and dancing for God with the rest of the highschool.
It was something I never thought would happen.
That really gave me a natural high...

Another high:
We won first place in round 2!
Debate rocks!
Especially with Kim!
We rocked the house down!
I actually wasn't scared to give the speech!
We just looked great!
Meaning we don't need manner.
We're GREAT DEABATERS.
So screw you, Ms. Smart-Ass adj!
WAKEKEK!!! (expression of Mars)

Getting high on the way home:
I saw SETH.
With a girl.
I didn't see if it was Ayen or someone else.
They were getting on a jeep before us as we were turning left for Cand's house.
We looked at each other for about half a second.
I don't even think he noticed me.
But I still saw him.
CUTE.
HOT.
But he's Ayen's.
So Seth is all yours.
I'm just admiring from afar.
I have no plan of getting in between the two of you.
You look so cute together. :)

The last high of the day:
My brother's batch party will have JOIN THE CLUB!!!
I hope they're looking for an opening act...
I wanna play with Kim and Steph.
PARANGMETAma...
But its a long shot.
It's okay.
I'll still see Join the Club anyway...

But every good day always has something that will go wrong:
My bus driver cursed me.
Not infront of me.
In front of the other kids.
Good thing those kids love me.
He shouldn't act that way.
That's why he hasn't gotten the advance salary my mom gives.
My dad doesn't like it when his only girl gets hurt.
And I was hurt!
I only have 2 months left in school.
But he still treats me like this!

But I'm still high...
WAHOO!!!

Stupid Mistakes...

Ever had one of those days that you wish you never had?
I had one... it was full of stupid mistakes.
As Mrs. Benitez said, "I was young and stupid..."
But I'm still young and stupid now!
Good thing she already forgave what I did...
Or did she?
Damn...
Hey, at least we're done with the defense...
It was hell.
But all of us felt a whole lot better after.
Even our Physics teacher did.
One down, a million more to go...
You know what?
Things can get really f***ed up when you go along...
Sometimes, you just have to tell the truth.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave... lies... truth..."
Blimey, I don't even know where that quote came from...
Just wanna say it out loud...
You know, I always feel tired lately...
I don't really know why, but I'd rather stay up late...
Maybe I'm psychotic...
Or maybe it's genetic...
Oh well.
Ho-hum...
I really want to meet someone, but he's a world away.
I know he wants to meet me too someday.
But I don't think we'll ever do.
Maybe it's just is.

how about a rant?
My parents are driving me crazy!!!
I hear a good song and stop for a sec while studying, and they think I'm slacking off?!?!
As if they were never kids before!!!
This is just so shitty...
Next time, I'd rather REALLY slack off rather than be blamed doing it while studying.
Why can't they cut me some slack?
I only got less than 8 weeks of studying left...
And they still torture me with this kind of crap everyday...

I'm just pissed off.

Oh well.

Better luck tomorrow.

Almost Suicidal...

Wanna know why the title is so?
Let me give you a few reasons.
Then maybe you'll feel the same way.

You know that thing I said about not passing Ateneo?
I was wrong.
Well, sort of.
I'm waitlisted.
I think its more embarrasing.
What the hell are they trying to say?
I'm almost their type?
It's like one of my damn wishes in the wish list.
I was going to meet John Cena for the RAW tour,
but I think it won't happen anymore...
This sucks.
Damn them!!!
Damn them all!!!
Oh well...

Here's another one:
I haven't slept decently since Thursday night because of projects.
I've been studying until my eyes are beyond recognition.
I've spent my whole Monday on our friggin' investi.
I feel like my brain is going to explode.
I went to Kim's house to try and finish it.
I had to smell burning gas, get burnt, and still it isn't finished.
I also had to finish the PROSEC project that same night.
I asked to be fetcxhed around 11 pm.
I was so tired.
I didn't need anyone scolding me.
But my parents did.
Damn, they were on a roll!
They were going on and on about my studies and everything else that concerns me.
And my mom told me to sleep while inside the car!
Whadaf***?!?!?!
And the song was timing too.
It was Nobela by Join the Club.
"Ngumiti kahit na napipilitan,
kahit na sinasadya
Mo akong masaktan..."
I had to hold back the tears.
My father even had the nerve that I was only socializing there.
How can he say that?!?!?!
I'm his friggin' daughter for crying out loud!!!

I was literally on the verge of breaking down,
but my angel of a brother saved the day.
He had no classes that day, so he was already awake watching TV.
I lost all the drive to live.
Before, I had cheerful goodbyes.
But now, I just said "aalis na ako."
Then, my brother ran after me and hugged me.
"Ingat ka ate." Then he kissed me...
Awww...

Damn...

I didn't pass Ateneo.
Screw them!
They'd regret the day that they didn't accept Joan Macrise C. Corrado!
Damn...
This sucks...
Maybe this is why I've been so depressed lately.
The omens are preparing me for the inevitable.
I'm so ashamed to my father.
He passed Ateneo law, and here I am, not even passing the ACET.
I feel so shitty.
I know that it isn't my dream school, and it wouldn't bother me that much,
But failing the ACET hit me like a meteor from outer space.
Maybe I'm exaggerating.
Let's make it a slap to the face.
Well, I guess it's genetic coz my younger bro didn't pass Ateneo highschool.
But that's not the point!
I still failed.
I hate failing.
Especially when others pity me.
Or they fake being dense about it.
I want to have a week off and rest.
I'm so tired.
I'm doing my prosec project while writing this blog, and it's not helpng.
I thought prosec cheers me up, but it made me more depressed.
Oh well. I better get back to work.

YIKEE...

I suddenly realized that they are meant for each other.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for them!
I would even help them be together if they need to...
It's just that the green eyed monster has arrived again...
This time, it's asking, "When will I have my man?"
This sucks. I sound so friggin' pathetic.
But it's true. I feel so lonely nowadays.
Especially because of the projects that keep me awake till sunrise...
I get to think about what the hell has been happening with my life...
I know I'm atill young, but I think I wasted the time that has passed...
But I'm still happy for them...
I hope they get to gether pretty sooon coz the "TORPE" thing is getting kinda old...
hay...

Wishful thinking...

Last year, Kim, Gise, Lauchu, Jami and I made a wish list. It including small things... mine was a notebook, eraser, mechanical pencil correction tape, sticky tac and a 24 set of colored pencils... guess what? It came true! Hey... those were the cheapest gifts anyone can buy, and if they didn't buy it for me... that's just lame... so anyway, our dear PROSEC teacher, MRS. ZETA, gave us this project. We had to write down 101 wishes and start a goal book. I figure... why not? I just might have all those wishes come true! So to anyone who reads this who can help... comment on it...

My 101 wishes

-Meet John Cena!
-a mini cooper
-go to France
-Italy,
-UK, Great Britain
-have a 2nd floor in our house- more room!
-have a company with Kim and Steph
-have a laptop
-a Cadillac
-my own house
-Php 100,000 in my account
-a new phone
-cooking lessons with Jamie Oliver
-a Ferrari 360 Spyder
-an entertainment system
-shopping spree with my mom in Rodeo Drive!
-an Egyptian Mau
-a ferret
-St. Bernard
-be famous!
-no more HAM!
-time off every month
-learn belly dancing and dirty dancing
-lose weight and get fit
-more attention from friends and family
-go to Rome and meet the Pope
-meet the cast of Harry Potter
-go to and IL DIVO concert
-go to a RAW and SMACKDOWN show
-own and play a saxophone
-be a black belter in Karate
-have my own library
-be a part of Repertory Philippines
-learn to drive
-more SAGAD time
-San Beda
-be closer to my dad
-my guy friends to treat my like a girl
-no line of 8 in the 4th quarter
-be an actress
-be an ambassador ( can be of goodwill)
-be an accountant (or just to experience it)
-have my own room
-have a wall of mirrors
-own bathroom
-own PC, TV, sound system
-canopy bed
-luxury clothing
-meet all the WWE stars!
-have a date with John Cena
-MP4
-pimped up car!
-a gun
-a John Cena album
-be a part of the Chain Gang!
-a clean and organized place
-meet Eminem
-go to an Eminem concert
-go to a Josh Groban concert
-meet Michael Bublé
-have a Reneé Olstead cd
-be a better person
-money for my brothers’ college tuition
-a job while I’m studying
-go to Boracay
-go back to Puerto Galera
-learn how to surf in Australia!
-have a night out with my mom
-treat my parents to a vacation
-be happier
-give my family a luxurious life
-stop being depressed
-meet Gwen Stefani
-go to a Gwen Stefani concert
-go to Harajuku avenue
-clean up my life… and my place
-prioritize things
-my parents to allow to have a boyfriend (but I don’t have anyone in mind… just the thought that they agree is fine…)
-a night out with JOIN THE CLUB! (i just wanna know them... really!)
-be able to watch TV during weekdays
-be able to have grace under pressure
-anger management
-new aircon
-LCD screen
-an Eddie Guerrero DVD
-to be able to go to Eddie Guerrero’s grave
-a dozen red roses
-a BIG box of Belgian chocolates
-Parker pen with my name engraved
-go to Nickelodeon studios
-go to Hollywood
-spend a weekend in Las Vegas
-spend a week with my family and friends in the 7-star hotel in Dubai (separately of course)
-own a super yacht!
-go to Jerusalem
-world tour with my family
-have my own website, and people actually viewing it
-have my own TV show, or be a guest in a TV show (on primetime of course!)
-my mom wouldn’t have to take as much medicine… it hurts seeing her popping 8 pills a time every meal… I just hope she gets better…
-make my life easier for my family…
-all my wishes to come true!

Now where is my fairy godmother?

Depressed...

I don't know if anyone else has this thing of being all sad and crappy before something... well I have it, and it happened in the weirdest time-place set...

Yesterday was the last day of vacation, and I thought I was going to finish my CL project. Then, I had this really bad case of depression. It was wave after wave of sadness covering me... and I didn't even get it! I wasn't happy or sad, but I was bawling the whole time I was inside our room! It was so freaky! I know that there were a lot of bad things that happened in my life lately, but those things don't really make me cry my eyes out... but anyway, I made a list of what could've been the reasons why I was so depressed...

Eddie Guerrero died- I don't think I'm over that fact because I cried when I heard his voice in my brother's PS2

I broke up with *****- I don't really think this counts, but most women are like that, so don't ask...

I don't think I can go to the RAW live tour- one name: JOHN CENA!!!

My dad almost threw me out of the house on January 1 for a little mistake- I just feel so mistreated in this friggin' house!

My mom tells me I'm being disrespectful- but if me andmy bros have a "po and opo meter", I would've had the most!

almost all my crap is missing- there is really a klepto inside this friggin' house!

It's the last day of vacation- obvious.

my close friend got to spend more time with my crush than I did- why do we always have to go to the province during Christmas?!?!?!

My friend is getting all that I want!!!- jealousy... okay... breathe... let all the bad energy out... hum... hum...

my life is not going as planned- damn, I thnk everyone has that problem, but I think my life is like a train derailed, swerved and tumbled through the dessert, fell off a cliff, burned beyond recognition, and it was brought back to the track for it to happen again...

Damn, I think I need Dr. Phil or Oprah... can someone please get me out of this depressioncase, because I eat when I'm depressed... HELP ME!!!