Stress...

Since my last post,
I have been feeling sick...

I think I know why.
I've been sleeping for 4 hours at most.

You should see my eyes...
I look like an addict already.

Anyway...
Problems have been arising left and right.
I wasn't even able to go to Alexa's get together for her birthday...

Sorry Alexa.

There's just too much stress coming from everywhere.
When I get to solve one thing,
Something bigger happens...
And I have to solve it...
EVEN IF IT WASN'T MY FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Haay...

NOw I have to go back to my stressful life...

Endless...

I'm way tired...
I don't think I can finish 6 scripts...
In 1 and a half hour...

But I have too...

Damn computer.

It doesn't recover files.

Shit.

Oh well...
I'm gonna have to finish it tonight.

Anyway...
The topic/s:

Why endless?
It's endless for many reasons:
Endless pains...
Endless heartaches...
Endless tears...

Sounds sad doesn't it?
But the thing is...
I'm learning to cope with it.
I'm starting to do fine even with all this crap I'm taking.

...

Earth Wind and Fire is in my playlists lately...
Feeling nostalgic...

...

SAN BEDA WON AGAINST LETRAN!!!
WAHOO!!!
After 16 years....
We finally have a good chance of getting the championship.

...

Hmmm...

Random things again.

Oh well...

Comments?

Come and give it to me bebeh!

...

XP

Torture...

It's 10:30 in the evening,
I should be sound asleep...

But I'm here in front of the pc...
Doing a "break-in".

It's been hell...

The integration...

Happenings at home...

I don't know where to find refuge anymore!!!

I don't want to go to school because of the integration
and other things that I shouldn't be concerned with but I am...

But I don't want to stay home...
Because I'm gonna have to face...
The depressing sights and sounds of home.

I swear I don't want to feel anymore.

Everything around me is killing me softly.
As that girl from accountancy said...
"It's sweet, gentle torture."

...

Well,

it's not sweet...

it's not gentle...

But it definitely is TORTURE.

...

ho-hum...

Hope I can live to see tomorrow.

...

I'll go sleep now...

Goodnight.

Random...

I was supposed to publish 3 posts already...

But my laziness,
my problems,
and the lousy speed of the net..
Aint helping me at all.

See here I am...

I'm gonna jabber about stuff...
Random stuff.

Everything that I can think of.

...

Do I have anything in mind?

well...

My present heartaches...
I'm very troubled.
I want all of it to end,
But I don't want to either.

Weird isn't it?

...

I want to focus on my studies.
And I am...
But there is too much to study!!!
My brain is melting...
I think I'm gonna have that disorder,
With my eyes squinting all the time...
I spend too much time on the computer.
Too much work.

...

The rain caused me so many problems.
The rain caused me too much pain.
The rain caused me misery.
But I don't want the rain to end.
I long for the rain...
(And I don't think it's the suspension of classes...)

...

Integration week this week.
Oh my.

Hope I can stand it...

Hayhay...

...

It's hard to play Dr. Phil...
When I have problems of my own.

...

Pinoy Dream Academy.
Hope we can get it.
But we can't even record the songs...
Oh well...
Just wishing.

...

SAGAD reuntied.
I LOVED EVERY MOMENT OF IT!!!
It was really a great picker-upper for me!
I was so down for the longest time...
I longed for the comfort of SAGAD.
And I got it!
Though it was only for I few hours,
I felt that I was alive again...
Because of the company of Kim and Steph.
Add Tricco and Jamon...
And I was in cloud nine!
Even if after we met...
I was flooded with the harsh reality that is my life.
I am very thankful I was given a break.
I really needed that boost from the 2 most important people of my life.

...

so...
How random can I get?

This random.

Comments anyone?!

GO AND ATTACK!!!

hehehe.

Wakekek.

Foolish...

Boring.
I'm here at a computer shop across FEU,
Waiting for my classmates' basketball game to finish.
So hot in FEU.
I thought I'd melt...

Damn.

And to think we pay 40K per sem in San Beda...
And they don't even allow us to play in the gym..
Because Eque and the other basketball guys are training.

Oh well...

To the topic:

My life has been shit...
Though it was my brother's birthday yesterday.

To take my mind out of my miseries,
I'm making a list of songs that could define how I feel:

Goodbye by Juana
Pansinin Mo by Juana
Set You Free by Side A
You're a God by Vertical Horizon
4 Seasons of Loneliness by Boyz 2 Men
Oh Well by Boyz 2 Men

...

I forgot the others...

Ah shit.

I want to be stoic.
I don't want to feel anymore.
I don't want to live.

I feel so useless.

...

Game is starting.
I have to go back.

SBK later.
XP

SAGAD...

Why is it…
That when I have all these problems on my shoulders,
When I feel so low and forsaken,
When I don’t think I can hold on anymore,
When I need you guys…

…

I can’t go to you?

…

ARGHHH!!!

I miss you so much…
I feel so empty without you.
I feel so lost.

It’s like I went back to those dreaded days…

I'd do anything to see you guys.

It's like I've been wandering away from home for years...

When it's only been five weeks.

(stops cause Kim goes online)

...

~change of emotion~

I LOVE YOU MAMA BEAR!!!

SAGAD LIVES!!!

Unappreciated...

Why do they think I don't study?

Do they think I'm only fooling around in college?!?!?

Why can't they see that I'm doing MY BEST

And GIVING MY ALL in college?!?!?!

...

For those reading this...

Allow me to rant.

...

I have worked my ass off since school started.
I didn't do anything but study, study, study.
Sure, I thought of slacking off...
But I never did it.
I was too afraid to fail.
Moreover,
I was scared to death to disappoint them.

First shot: nice!
Second shot: okay...
Third: uh-oh...

I really did my best.
I studied.
I memorized.
I analyzed.
Yet I think I still got a low score.

Maybe I even failed.

I'M SORRY OKAY!!!

I'm not perfect.

I did study.
I did memorize.
I did analyze.
I did all that I can to understand.
And I did.
But it was just that hard for me.

All I'm asking is a little consideration.
I've been trying to tell you ever since I was a kid:
I'M NOT PERFECT.

Hope you realize that I am having a hard time...
Even if I get high scores...

Don't worry.
I'll always do better next time.
...
But I know that already made a mark.

Again,
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you found out I'm not like you.

Because I'm really not.

I'm just average.

...

I just thought you appreciated my efforts...

Guess you didn't.

Oh well.

Again...

I'm sorry.

Unappreciated...

Why do they think I don't study?

Do they think I'm only fooling around in college?!?!?

Why can't they see that I'm doing MY BEST

And GIVING MY ALL in college?!?!?!

...

For those reading this...

Allow me to rant.

...

I have worked my ass off since school started.
I didn't do anything but study, study, study.
Sure, I thought of slacking off...
But I never did it.
I was too afraid to fail.
Moreover,
I was scared to death to disappoint them.

First shot: nice!
Second shot: okay...
Third: uh-oh...

I really did my best.
I studied.
I memorized.
I analyzed.
Yet I think I still got a low score.

Maybe I even failed.

I'M SORRY OKAY!!!

I'm not perfect.

I did study.
I did memorize.
I did analyze.
I did all that I can to understand.
And I did.
But it was just that hard for me.

All I'm asking is a little consideration.
I've been trying to tell you ever since I was a kid:
I'M NOT PERFECT.

Hope you realize that I am having a hard time...
Even if I get high scores...

Don't worry.
I'll always do better next time.
...
But I know that already made a mark.

Again,
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you found out I'm not like you.

Because I'm really not.

I'm just average.

...

I just thought you appreciated my efforts...

Guess you didn't.

Oh well.

Again...

I'm sorry.

Shit...

Why do I have this lousy feeling?

I feel like crap.

Damn.

I still have accounting homework.

Life sucks.

My family might be home in a few hours...

And I still look like shit.

Sometimes,

Like now...

I don't get why I do my best to excel.

I won't be able to anyway...

I don't have a reason to live.

I don't have an inspiration.

It's like I don't want to live.

Crap.

I'm sounding emo again...

I need something...

Or someone...

To help me move.

Unlucky...

My mother is sick.

And now...

A problem that has been looming in the past...

Has come back to haunt me and my family.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

My brothers and I are too young for this.

My parents don't need this at all.

Why is this happening to us?!?!?!?!

Why is this happening to me?!?!?!?!

This is all to hard to bear...

I just hope I can stand through all this.

I just hope we can survive.

Why am I so unlucky?!?!

Maybe life is just really unfair...

Believing...

This is the problem with believing.
At first, it was only a joke:
I didn't want to believe any of it,
for I had feelings from the start.
I didn't want to be swayed to the illusion that it is true.
I was contented in that fantasy of good feelings.
Yes, I had wishes for it to come true...
But I pictured it in a more serene setting.
I never really expected my wishes to come true...
Especially this kind.

I shouldn't have believed.
Now everything is so fucked up.

Even my friends started to notice.
They're not used that I'm weak.
It's so not me.
One friend even told me I sounded emo.

FUCK!

...

For you:

I'm not asking you to love me.
I'm not that dumb.
All I'm asking is...
Uhm...
Not to make a fool out of me.
There is a big difference between like and love.
Please don't abuse my feelings.
I've been hurt so many times,
I don't want to get hurt by you.
Please don't hurt me.
I want us to be friends.

...

I'm sorry...
For whatever I did wrong.
I'm sorry...
For everything.

...

Now...

...

I don't want to believe anymore.

Shit.

I sound emo again.

...

...

...

And when I thought i was gonna give up...

When I thought I just had to face it...

You made it all change.

...

Thank you.

Maybe...

I will still believe.

...

...

I like this.

Shrinks...

Tricco gave me the best answer ever....

"Let him set things straight first."

Thanks Tricco...

My life has been so fucked up when he came into my life.

I won't let him ruin my dream...

...

...

...

SHIT!!!!

Here I am, running away from the one I love...

Then here comes a man I'm being forced to love!

HEY!!!

I'm not that girl in that soap where she gets an arranged marriage!

Those things only happen in movies!!!!

...

Or so I thought....

ARGHHH!!!


I think I will really need a shrink...

Now I think...

I don't want to live anymore...

I just want time to stop.

So I can fix my fucked up life.

Hoping...

I don't know why I even bother typing up these things...
When I don't want anyone to know how I feel...

Weird, isn't it?
I guess,
The fact that no one really knows the whole story...

So all of you can guess what the hell I'm talking about..
And I'd never answer any of it.

I read a quote from my cousin's phone:
.."in love, never put yourself in a situation
where you're not sure
of where you stand in a person's life...
NEver assume, never expect..."

Well...
That's what I didn't do.
I assumed...
I expected...

STUPID ME!!!

I never felt this way before...

No one really liked me...
It was usually me who falls..

But you said you like me...

I didn't want to believe...
I didn't want to get hurt...
What if you were joking?
What if you were lying?
What if you were just playing around?

...

What if I said I like you?

...

so much?

...

And what I'm saying is true...

It hurts me to know all these things...

And I can't do anything about it.

I don't want to let this feeling go...

I don't want to let you go...

But once again,
That damn reason stops me from doing...

You're taken.

Shit.

I'm such a fool.

I don't even know why I'm doing this.

Somebody please answer me...

...

Maybe you want to answer me...

Try talking to me...

ARGGGHHH!!!!

Why am I still hoping?!?!?!

The alcohol, meds and feelings are swirling in my head...

Can't take this anymore.

I never wanted this to happen...

I didn't want to get hurt anymore...

But it's here...

I can't stop it...

I have to go with it.

Oh my.

I think I'm gonna go crazy.

Someone please help me.