Failure...

I never thought it would hurt so much.
I never thought it would happen to me.
But it did.
I failed.

I have no idea how things will go from now on.

All my life,
I have been told that I will pursue one thing and I will succeed.
But then again,
I am only human- allowed to commit mistakes.

But I guess he doesn't see that.
He only sees me as a failure.

Damn.
I didn't ask to become the first-born.
If I could,
I'd ask the heavens to give me enough wisdom,
Just so that you can be proud of me.

I'm sorry I didn't turn out the way you want me to be.
I would do anything to please you...
To make you proud of me...
But the thing is,
I can't.
I just have different things in mind.

I am not meant to become the person you want me to be.
I am meant to be my own person.
And I can't do that when you strangle my freedom.

I don't know what I want anymore.
I have long erased it from my mind and soul.
Because I wanted to please you so much.

And as I hear you sigh because of me...
I feel more and more humiliated...
embarassed...
And dissapointed with myself.

I just hope that someone yu know till read this...
And hopefully he will tell this to you.

I don't want to shift.
I want to change schools.
I want to go to the course that I want.

But I can't say that to you.
Because you'd probably say I'm disrespecting you...
That I'm being stubborn.

But I'm not.
I'm only saying what's on my mind.
What I feel...

I'm your daughter.
I hope you understand.

And please remember that I love you.
I never hated you.
I was never angry.
I just wanted you to understand me.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not being the perfect daughter.

And no,
It doesn't mean that I don't care when I don't look worried.

Fact is,
I'm worried as hell.
I'm the one who has an unsure future!
I go to the net to release my emotions.
Not because I don't care.

See...
You would understand this if you knew me.
But you don't.
So now,
You think I'm an ungrateful bitch
Who doesn't care about whatever may happen.

I hope things get better for all of us.

Finally...

All i needed to do was sign in here in Bedanet!

Damn...
I've been trying really ard to blog...
But to no avail because my pc at home won't let me sign in...

How long has it been???
A month again???

Damn.

This blog has missed so much of my so-called fucked up life.

It would be nonsense if I post everything here...
Because it would be as long as a novel...

...So I'd rather write one instead.

I got a "book idea" coming up,
But I can only start it this summer...

Finals are coming up and it's crunch time.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....
I'm so afraid to fail Accounting.

Anyway....

Enough verbal diarrhea.

The latest thing I've been busy with is video editing.
I LOVE IT!
I edited our documentary and an MTV for Theology...

It got me thinking..
I should've gone to fim school instead.
I would've been happier there...

Haha.

...

...

...

I would be dead if my father ever reads this.

But then again, he has no idea how to use the PC
aside from playing solitaire...


Another thing:

My non-existent lovelife is starting to fill up again...

Sort of.

He likes me...
I like him.

Only problem is,
We've only known each other for three days.

Instant attraction?

I dunno.

I'll be careful though...
I have no idea where this will lead me.

He's already working...
He's the "streetsmart" kind of guy...

If ever my dad sees him,
He'll definitely say NO!

How did I meet him?

...

...

...

He's the editor of my videos.

Whew.

So there.

I have to get to class now...

I'll post maybe after my finals and PAPAT...

...hopefully I get to the PAPAT.

Cheers!

SaGaD!