SAGAD, the CHAIN GANG and LATINO HEAT

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Monday, March 26, 2007

Failure...

I never thought it would hurt so much.
I never thought it would happen to me.
But it did.
I failed.

I have no idea how things will go from now on.

All my life,
I have been told that I will pursue one thing and I will succeed.
But then again,
I am only human- allowed to commit mistakes.

But I guess he doesn't see that.
He only sees me as a failure.

Damn.
I didn't ask to become the first-born.
If I could,
I'd ask the heavens to give me enough wisdom,
Just so that you can be proud of me.

I'm sorry I didn't turn out the way you want me to be.
I would do anything to please you...
To make you proud of me...
But the thing is,
I can't.
I just have different things in mind.

I am not meant to become the person you want me to be.
I am meant to be my own person.
And I can't do that when you strangle my freedom.

I don't know what I want anymore.
I have long erased it from my mind and soul.
Because I wanted to please you so much.

And as I hear you sigh because of me...
I feel more and more humiliated...
embarassed...
And dissapointed with myself.

I just hope that someone yu know till read this...
And hopefully he will tell this to you.

I don't want to shift.
I want to change schools.
I want to go to the course that I want.

But I can't say that to you.
Because you'd probably say I'm disrespecting you...
That I'm being stubborn.

But I'm not.
I'm only saying what's on my mind.
What I feel...

I'm your daughter.
I hope you understand.

And please remember that I love you.
I never hated you.
I was never angry.
I just wanted you to understand me.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not being the perfect daughter.

And no,
It doesn't mean that I don't care when I don't look worried.

Fact is,
I'm worried as hell.
I'm the one who has an unsure future!
I go to the net to release my emotions.
Not because I don't care.

See...
You would understand this if you knew me.
But you don't.
So now,
You think I'm an ungrateful bitch
Who doesn't care about whatever may happen.

I hope things get better for all of us.

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6 Comments:

At 1:11 AM, March 30, 2007, Blogger triccy said...

i'm sorry for not being able to find the right words to say to you, my good friend..

i could only look from the distance and see/read about the pain that you're feeling right now..

all i can think of saying right now, is that you've got a friend you can run to right here...it's not much, but i hope it's okay..

am just around the corner when you need me Mac..

*hug*

 
At 4:30 PM, March 30, 2007, Blogger Maccer da Packer said...

thanks dre.
can't say much coz if i start,
im gonna have to post another rant.

 
At 7:18 PM, April 14, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your situation is tough. Parents can be very stubborn especially with their first borns. I'm not telling you to have a shouting match with your father because I do know it will worsen things. Sometimes everything just has to be in their line of sight and it sucks I know. Of course they'd give you the reason that they were able to do it why can't you? Why can't we all children do the same? Suddenly, if we become a failure to them because we did not pursue what they want us to pursue, they'd still pin the blame on us. My sister was in the same situation as you are now. What did she do? Well, she defied my dad despite the fact that he didn't talk to her for so long. After a while he did soften up to her when he finally saw her success in the path she's chosen. Parents think practical. They want the best for us but sometimes the best that they think is not really the best for us. The choice is yours and it has always been. Think through things carefully and maybe he'll see your point. Not today but maybe someday. It's a long road but in that long road, you can always prove your worth.

Remeber this: It is you who will make who you are, not your school not your course but YOU.

 
At 8:53 PM, April 18, 2007, Blogger Maccer da Packer said...

wow...
thanks for that wonderful message. im kinda doing better now. im still not in the course that i want, but at least he's not pressuring me as much. i still have the "failure" brand at home though, but im starting to be able to ignore it.
i just want to say thank you because that really made me feel much better, especially now that things aren't doing well at home.

 
At 7:09 PM, April 22, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Then someday make them eat up that failure brand in your house.

It's never too late to be successful.

 
At 7:10 PM, April 22, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Then someday make them eat up that failure brand in your house.

It's never too late to be successful.

 

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